Still have nowhere to go tonight…what a way to spend your 21st birthday, eh?
Anonymous Asked:
How old are you going to be?
21
My birthday is this weekend, and I’m still without a place to stay. I have a place tonight, but that’s only for tonight… Anyone want to get me a hotel room as a present? Or money? :P
It’s my birthday weekend! Someone should throw me a party. :P
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what you said was:
"i don't respect women who don't respect themselves"
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what you meant was:
"i and society as a whole hold women up to ridiculous respectability standards directly relating to the "purity" of said women while hypersexualizing them at the same time and if you are a woman and don't fit my awkward monolith of criteria then i refuse to acknowledge your humanity"
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what i heard was:
"hi i'm a misogynist piece of shit, please punch me in my face"
kawaiians:
getting older is scary can i stop
livingsim:
Disney doing it right.
What I need for you all to understand, right now, is that when I wrote “my story,” I wrote it from a biased point of view. I was hurt, and angry, and I wanted to make Zak seem as horrible as possible while making myself seem like the innocent victim, enthralled by his awfulness. I exaggerated quite a bit on the part of my story that contained Zak in order to gain sympathy, because I felt so icky inside about the things I had done and the choices I had made, and could not bear to face them.
Zak tried to commit suicide when he was 17. He shot himself in the chest. He only has one lung now, and he has constant chronic pain from that event as well as PTSD. He has nightmares about that night, and they plague him often. Now, can you imagine, with that in mind, how he must have felt when I tried to kill myself? He described it as a “terrorist attack on [his] mind”. Not only was I his girlfriend who professed to love him, and not only did he feel guilty thinking it was somehow his fault, but it also propelled him back to the time when he, himself, had wanted to end his life. He felt hurt, betrayed, scared, and angry, and justifiably so.
I handed that 600$ to Zak, the money I claimed he stole. I asked him to hold on to it, but then he got kicked out of his house. I told him he could use some of that money to get himself a hotel room, because I didn’t want him to sleep outside. The worst part is, I was the reason he got kicked out of his house. I was so paranoid and scared and I hadn’t slept or eaten in days, and I was high as a kite, and I refused to go home one night. It was cold outside, and I should have gone home, but instead I refused, like a little child, and I said I was going to sleep outside. Zak’s parents told him that if he did not come home that night, then he should find another place to stay. Yet, he still stayed with me, and held me close, as we shivered outside, due to my childishness. So when I tried to kill myself, Zak figured I had written the money off, and used it to buy hotel rooms for a week so he didn’t have to sleep out in the cold.
Yes, Zak came to visit me in the psyche ward, to end our relationship. However, I had already broken up with him the night I tried ending my life. I thought it would make my death easier on him, if I ended things first. He came to see me in the psyche ward to end things because he didn’t want to string me along, or lead me on. He didn’t want to cause any further pain for me. He believed he was doing the selfless thing by letting me go, because he thought being with him was the reason behind my suicide attempt. He harbored so much guilt over this, that he had to check himself into the psyche ward a week later, because his suicidal thoughts had come back.
It’s also true that he stole my ipod and pawned it. However, I was already talking about pawning the ipod, and he bought me a present with the money from it. It was stupid of him to be dishonest in that situation, but he has already apologized and paid me back for it.
Also, towards the end of our relationship, I was doped out all the time, not eating, and not sleeping. I had extreme paranoia, and insecurity within myself. I was convinced that Zak was sleeping around or lying to me any chance he got. I would blow up his phone with texts, calls, and emails demanding things from him and getting extremely emotional when things didn’t go my way. I became obsessed with him, to a point that was extremely unhealthy. I removed everyone from my life, and replaced all their roles with his presence. I made him my entire world, when he should have just been my boyfriend. I went batshit insane on him, and in return, he fled from me. Can you blame him?
He did not try to sleep with my best friend. This was a lie she told me to cover her own ass. She was trying to sleep with him before we had even broken up. She told him she was in love with him and that she was no longer friends with me, and she got him so high that she was able to convince him to cuddle with her. However, he felt so weird about the entire situation that every time he saw her after that, he made sure other people were there. When I confronted her about the situation, she said she was doing it to find out “information” on him so him and I could get back together. -_-
He also never tried to steal my identity. He was trying to help me report my checks stolen so that the money I owe the bank would disappear. But, my best friend, created a huge conspiracy theory in my mind, as she convinced me he was out to destroy my life.
I have since discovered, that many of the issues Zak and I had, were due to: miscommunication, drugs, and my crazy best friend. I don’t even know if I can call her that anymore. She had been trying to break us up since day one of our relationship. She would tell us both lies about each other so we would fight, and then feel stupid later when we found out they weren’t true.
This post is not about my best friend, however, it’s about Zak. There is something beautiful and good within him. He has this huge untapped potential within him to be something great, and I want to help him any way I can. He has made the decision to get clean (after being a drug addict for 5 years), take care of his debt, and put his life back on track. I am so proud of the progress he has made in his own self discovery and growth since we broke up.
We have both come to the conclusion that the best thing for our relationship is to take things as slowly and as cautiously as possible. There is still a deep and loving bond between us, but we recognize that our little bud has yet to bloom. We are giving it just the right amount of soil, water, and light to let it grow healthy and strong. For now, we plan on holding each other up and supporting each other as we fight the addictions that plague our lives, as well as trying to stand on our own two feet. Someday, this boy I adore will become a strong and amazing man I love, if not romantically, then at least as a companion in my life.
I’m sorry I twisted the situation to make myself look good and make him look evil. I hate how selfish and immature I acted, even while claiming to have grown as a person. I feel so sad when you all judge him, based off my harsh words and venomous anger. Every one of our mutual friends that I’ve talked to has said that he didn’t say one bad thing about me while we weren’t together, and yet here I was, slandering his name all over the internet.
I am lucky he has forgiven me for all of that, and he is lucky I have forgiven him for his part too. We both are pretty damaged after everything that has happened, so right now we are just trying to mend and heal.
I hope this post gives you some insight as to why I have brought him back into my life. I’m not some foolish, drug-addicted whore who wanted him back in my life for drugs and sex, nor is he some malicious spracked-out tweaker who only cares for himself. We’re just two young and lost souls, looking for their way in the world, and finding comfort in each other’s company. I adore him, I am proud of him, I believe in him, and I see the good in him. I just hope he someday sees it too.
taye-bay-bay:
I just need someone compassionate to wire me 50$ or reserve a hotel room online for me so I don’t have to sleep outside again. :/
Seriously, I could really use the help!
I just need someone compassionate to wire me 50$ or reserve a hotel room online for me so I don’t have to sleep outside again. :/
Anonymous Asked:
Wow, are you seriously back together with the guy that stole your money and possessions, got you hooked on drugs, then dumped you while you were in patient for a suicide attempt? WOW, you really know how to pick em/learn from your mistakes don't ya? I've lost all respect for you. You're a fucking idiot.
No. I am not “back together” with him. We are friends, and taking everything slowly, including our friendship.
I’m trying to remain positive, and grow in an uplifting direction. Any negative comments on my posts, or negative comments in my ask box, no matter how “good” your intentions, will be deleted, without any warning other than this. You can have whatever opinions you want, but unless I ask, I don’t want to know your negative opinions on my life nor choices, nor do I care about them. I have my parents and my best friend as well as my therapist for advice. I don’t need it from any of you, unless I ask you directly. Only the people who are closest to me, and know my life intimately, have any right to pass judgement on my life and choices. Thank you.
tayelicious:
Honestly, I can’t seem to shake this addiction. I missed him so much. :/
I talked a lot of shit about Zak (my ex) recently, here on Tumblr, and when I think back on it, I feel childish and immature. We BOTH made a lot of mistakes during our relationships. I mean, come on! We’re so young, ha. Of course we’re stupid. We have since then started talking about all the issues we had and why we had them, and we both apologized to each other for all we did. We both accept our responsibility in the ending of our relationship, and both have learned a lot from it. As of now, we are friends. (:
Anonymous Asked:
How did u loose that weight? I'm 145 and my goal is 120 but it's hard:/
The first 20 pounds weren’t lost in a healthy way, sadly. (Drugs and an eating disorder.) The last 10 were lost through eating mostly fruits and veggies and walking everywhere. (: